Wednesday, July 1, 2009

What to do...

Feeling uninspired and not creative. It's very strange and kind of unnerving. I went to my grandmother's and I had a good idea for a live action feature length movie. While I was driving today I had another idea for an animated short. Both of them are pretty good I think, but it's like any idea I come up with is anchored at the back of my head so it flies forward and then hits the end of the rope and sort of floats back. It's lame. It's a very strange feeling that only ever seems to be fixed by me changing my location. These ideas never ever EVER come to me when I'm sitting at home. I'm hoping China will give my brain a jump start.

I still always feel tired and in a state of middleness. It's basically the feeling I associate with end of the semester stress. Nothing is making me particularly excited or particularly unhappy. I'm just going. Blah. Nothing. Nothing is going into my head and nothing is leaving it. I even tried drawing a little bit to free myself up, but it's like Circle > face. Every time. BORING. NOTHING NEW. My brain is just a lump sitting up there. It makes me feel like I'm wasting my mind while I still have it.

Scratch that. I'm thinking back about the last thing that made me really excited and pumped up and it was watching The Bad Seed with my grandma, aunt, and mom on Turner Classic Movies. That's when I was really like "ahhh!! Exciting!" and that's when I came up with my new feature movie idea. I just keep feeling like I don't have the patience or effort to put into making this stuff. It's like my drive to succeed is gone cause I don't have an end goal any more. It used to be that it was like "okay, finish high school, finish college, go to california and make what I want". Well now I've finished some of those things and I'm afraid to go to California cause it's my last step and it's like what do I do after I get there? Nothing. I have nothing after that. Grow old? China is like me procrastinating by having an adventure instead of going to California to start my slow march toward death. There was WAY too much of me coming to terms with my own mortality this past month. Not a fan. I gotta get out and do something that young people do so I can feel alive and well. It's like... I just don't feel funny anymore. Like I feel like I've lost my sense of humor. Nothing is funny, can't think of anything witty to say. Everything is blah.

I need to go exploring or something. Hopefully China fixes that. I'm thinking about China and I just don't really believe it. Like I don't believe it's coming soon. It's a month from tomorrow. That's not long. Every time I've changed scenery however I always come up with something new. I just kinda wish that whatever the next new thing is is something I can do on my own. I keep coming up with non-currently achievable ideas. As I said I came up with one animated short, but it's going to be strange to make because it's not a comedy. Again, I only have a premise, nothing more. It's not funny and it ends really sadly.

Tomorrow I'm going to be going to the CONvergence. I'm going to be going the whole weekend purely because of this issue I'm having. I hope it helps or frees me up or makes me feel some sort of emotion of some kind.

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